It's been a week.

To tell you the truth, I've never experienced a big loss in my life. I lost my iPod, but I still bought it days later. I lost my favorite cousin, yet I could easily move on in days. Lost my grandparents, well, I moved on in days. Yes I do compare it with my iPod because he's my number....four boyfriend, beside my cellphone, laptop, and...Sakurai Sho future husband. 

But to lose someone that you call "big sister", "best of best friends", or "another half", is a real serious thing. I tell you. 

I've met her back then in August 2010. A first year, I was. Sitting in the back of a hall, waiting for my friends had their lunches because I was fasting back then. Among seniors who also waited like us, there was her, one year ahead than me. With my another now-so-called "big sister". We were talking about things, and I realized: how sweet and kind she is. 

We almost had no "important" conversation back then, just your average, normal conversations between a senior and a junior of an architecture school. Things changed when I started "having a goody good, nameless relationship" with a senior, one-year older, opposite sex. He's one of your good friends. And I was one of his so-called "targets". We started talking heart-to-heart, I told you everything about our (me and that-said senior) confusing relationship so far, you told me that you have an interest with a guy, and so on. I still remember you kept telling me and "you-know-who" look so well side by side. We talked in BBM, Twitter, almost everyday, didn't we? Yes, it was everyday's conversation between us. And I started to regard you as my one of the bests, the best person I've ever met, and the kindest one. 

But I never knew, you've had cancer since that very time. 

Our conversations broaden. Not only about "our loved ones" because it changed to "our normal friends" later on. About college. About life. About family. About love. You are the only one I can talk freely about my worries in college, and you will call me "pecun-dang!" with no mercy, and I can stand up once again, and repeat. After all, life is about repetition. We helped each other's studies. We support each other's dreams. And then you graduated. I was thinking that our friendship would change, but eventually, it's not, until today. Even I keep calling you in LINE, or Path, and you don't answer me. But I know you're answering. You still helped me, with discussions over LINE, or WhatsApp, or Path, or even Instagram. We talked almost in every spot we could catch. You gave me links to read, links to see, to help me with studios' projects. 

We did have debates, quarrels, but hey who doesn't? They say that friendship is nothing without a quarrel once in a while. And we did. 

And between our talk sessions, there it was: cancer. 

I know you very well, dear. We both keep telling each other that we don't need other's pity. Yes, we do, and that's one of our zillions' similarities. But for your case, it's optional. I keep telling you "tell me when you will have the operation", "have you go to hospital?", and things like that. And you answered me with "it's okay buddy", "I've been going to an alternative, so I don't need any operation. Wish me luck", and so on. And I know you. You've said that, then no more asks. 

It was a gloomy Monday, in 2014, when news hit me. So hard. 

We were not talking for almost a week, because I went to countrysides with poor internet connections. But what I never thought is the next thing I know, you're lying in hospital because of your cancer. 

Then everything went so fast, as fast as world can go. 

Spending days and hours praying (and not to mention, crying) for you, went to hospital just to see your conditions and met with some guys that I missed so much. And Friday, January 10th, 10.50 AM, you chose to meet Allah before us. Did you know, we were planning to visit you again in 11th? All of us. It was gonna be the most crowded visit the hospital will ever see, you know. But you couldn't wait, right? 

Bali, 2012.

We did promise for almost anything. I promised you to go to Japan for studies someday, and you also will as a backpacker along with some friends, and I promised to give you (and your friends who are also good friends of mine) full accommodation in my someday-flat, and even become your unpaid tour guide. We will go to Dubai together, to give Burj Al-Dubai a closer look. And you will go to Paris for studies and I will visit you, remember? And you promised my dear nephew Raimi Maalik a....thing? I don't know. You haven't met him but you already love him like your own nephew. Even called him "lemper buntal" and such. Yes, he really wants to meet you, his aunt's sister/best friend. 

"You never know how much you love someone until you lose them." is one of the truest facts world can give to us. And it is true. I never realized how much I love you before this. How much I love our midnight talks about everything, even random talks showed up sometimes. How much I love to have you fooling around on my Path timeline. 

I do still cry, deep inside my heart. As I told everyone, it feels like a hole in my heart. A big one.
I cry when I accidentally open your twitter timeline.
I cry when being reminded with our last conversations. 
I cry when accidentally listening to Maudy's Tahu Diri.
I cry when being reminded with our promises.
I cry when I realize I can't have any good discussions anymore.
I cry with no tears falling down on my cheeks. 

But I know I have to let go of it. Or else you won't be happy.

And now, I know exactly how it feels losing another part of myself.

You live in my heart, Dip. Forever.
I miss you. I really do.
Take care. 
I love you, sister. 

P.S.: Udah nemu laptop sama wi-fi kan, Nen?

-A post dedicated to our lovely big sister, Pradipta Paramita D. (24.09.1992 - 10.01.2014)-