I've lost.

...quite a lot of things. 

The last post of this blog was March, 2015. Exactly 3 weeks before I got employed and started living a life as a working woman who spend her Mondays to Fridays, 8 AM to 5 PM, with drawing plans, weekly meetings, progress meetings, and site visits. The fact that I'm employed, of course that also means I gain new things and experiences, and in change of new experiences (from watching a concert alone to business trip alone), I'm also losing things. 

I almost forgot what font I use for this blog. 

I forgot to send postcards to other sides of the world. 

I forgot that this is already December, and next month is already January, and I'll turn 23 in no time. 

And the most of all, the reason why I suddenly write is, 

I forgot the excitement of architecture. 

Amazing what 4.5 years of architecture education can do to you, huh? 

It came so sudden, 3 PM at Friday, I was browsing with office's PC as I got bored with works: kitchen cabinet's detail drawings (I stated in my profile, right? I draw interior plans and furniture for living), and I stumbled upon Arc*Daily. I always love Japanese architecture, traditional or modern (though I love the cleanliness modern Japanese architecture gives the most), so I clicked the "Japan" tag, and other tags, including my own country's. 

Long story short, I found local architecture firm's works. And then just by seeing those architecture works, it came to a realization that I miss architecture, really bad that I almost cried and puked at the same time (in front of my office's PC, yes). 

I miss waking up at 1 AM to work on some plans (and continued with contemplating about life over a cup of coffee)

I miss architectural discussion that I always had with my classmates during college. 

I miss looking at an architectural piece and then got all excited with it. 

I miss that accomplished feeling when you get that hard work done. 

.

In words, I remember my friends told me: 

"it's not like you don't love architecture anymore, you're just bored with it, for a while. You're going to live from it."

"it's great that you've found your passion. It's architecture, right?"

I guess they were right.
If I have to mention what's the thing that I love the most, is architecture. Tied with my love to Japanese books and magazines (and if I have to compare with person, I may say they are tied with my love to Nakajima Yuto or the likes)

One of my lecturers in college days once said to 
"treat architecture like he is your boyfriend."

I once laughed at it, but I guess he was right. Architecture is like your do-S senpai of shoujo manga. He may be mysterious, but you're drawn to him. He may be wicked, drives you crazy, but you still love him. You may try to understand him, but he will not understand you; there won't be any mutual understanding between you two, and yet you stay.

And I may be drunk. 

This is what 2 hours sleep after waking up at 2 AM (to go to bathroom, for God's sake!) can do to you. 

"Pastikan dia bisa percaya sama lo sepenuhnya." 

Kata-kata itu masih terbayang di ingatanku, apalagi saat aku menatap wajahnya. Wajah orang yang sedang duduk tenang di sebelahku. Belum lama aku mengenalnya, tapi aku sudah sangat ingin melindunginya seumur hidup. 

"Dia ingin terlihat kuat, tapi sebenarnya lemah. Dia tidak bisa percaya sama orang di sekelilingnya. Gue juga akan bersikap sama kalau punya masa lalu seperti itu."

Aku kembali menatap wajah seriusnya yang tengah mendengarkan musik dari penyanyi kesukaannya. Sejak pertama kali bertemu aku sudah menyadari, bahwa di balik keceriaannya yang seolah tak pernah redup ada kesepian yang selalu menghantui hari-harinya. Ada luka yang tak kunjung sembuh di balik senyumnya yang selalu menyapaku setiap kami bertemu. 

Kutangkupkan kepalanya ke pundakku. Ekspresinya sedikit terganggu, mungkin dia tidak terbiasa dengan gestur ini, atau mungkin karena earphone yang ada di telinganya jadi terlepas. Kumanfaatkan kesempatan ini untuk mengatakan hal yang sudah seharusnya ia dengar sejak lama, jauh sebelum bertemu denganku. 

"Everything's going to be alright. Aku janji. Kamu boleh percaya sama aku. Kamu boleh bunuh aku kalau ternyata aku bohong." 

Ia terdiam sesaat sebelum akhirnya mempertemukan matanya dengan mataku. Kami bertatapan dan ia hanya tertawa halus. 

"Kamu memang orang paling aneh yang pernah aku kenal. But, thanks." 

Menit demi menit berlalu, ia tidak mengangkat kepalanya dari pundakku. 
Saat itulah aku sadar; aku sudah melakukan hal yang tepat.  

2015's first post.

Sooooo, this is my first post of 2015! Because "Happy New Year" is already (very) late, so it's "Happy Chinese New Year". This year is Goat Year, and even though I don't really believe at prophecy or forecast like how your life will be at this year, they say that this is my year for anything, a good year to start business, a good year for romance, etc. Amen to that. 

Actually I've written a post earlier this year, on January, but decided to not post it because I was procrastinating much. What else can put down all my abilities other than procrastinate? Ha! Meet self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastinate from 315 and Queen of Sarcasm of TGA 8.18. 

Talking about TGA 8.18, this is my final project batch. A very fun final class, indeed. We had Halloween party, and I had fun with cici-cici Jomsum (means "Jomblo Mesum"), and still having fun with them over LINE group until today, basically talking about random things from handsome Japanese actors, Tumblr posts, and kabedon. The graduation ceremony was held in my birthday. Yes! My 22nd birthday present from college is the official letter of graduation from faculty. And they celebrated it together by singing "Happy Birthday" on stage. Never been this happy. Thank you so much, TGA 8.18! 

TGA 8.18's friends. Photos credit to Jessica Octavia. 

The funniest part of graduated is: I graduated exactly 9 years after my brother.
Left: my brother's letter of graduation. Right: mine. 

This past month, a crucial thing that's been bugging my mind is: employment. I never thought that finding a job will be this, disheartening and scary. It's been almost a month since I graduated and still no calling for interview. Though many people say that most of them had to wait for 2-3 months until employed, I was mostly disheartening by the fact that my parents really push me to work soon (to support the household, yes, and for my freedom and independency too) and some of my friends who graduated at the same time with me have started working in various places (not all, but some). So now my current wish is employment in architectural offices. I decided to go on with architecture world with concern of my future career a.k.a after-marriage career, and being a designer is my dream since childhood. It's not a sin to achieve your childhood's dream, right? 

List of companies. Hire me, please!

This part will not have any photos on it. I went to Latihan Kepemimpinan (again) for 5 consecutive times, and was invited as a speaker for one game session. Not my first time as a speaker for this event, because 2 years ago I was the project leader and I had to be the main moderator/speaker for various sessions. But it felt different. You've graduated, talked in front of your juniors, and (some of) they may have started admiring you because "wow she's graduated" "she's already planned her future" (yes I have some talking about my future plans) "the first woman to lead LK". I also had fun with other seniors that mostly a year ahead me, as we're the "graduated team" (though my status of employment is still zero). The memorable part is we had a little "accident" on our supposed-to-be breakfast. 

After a midnight session, we decided to search for some portions of sate kambing. It was already 04.30 in the morning. First moral of the story: Sate Kambing is not a breakfast staple.  We were up all night so most of us (except my friends who happened to steal some sleeping time during event) were drowsy. Second moral of the story: do not search for food outside if you're drowsy because there will misjudgment here and there. Because it was cold (okaaay now you can guess where we've been going), we decided to order soup. It was either Sup Kambing or Tongseng, and we picked Tongseng (most of them are men so...yeah, men love cholesterol). Luck is not on our side. It was 05.00 in the morning so the Tongseng is out of stock, but we're still able to order the Tongseng left-over soup. I mean "left-over" soup is: no meat. Just the soup. And at first we ordered 2 bowls, but yeah, back to the second point: we're all drowsy, so we ended up ordering a bowl for each. Turned out it was a very bad judgement. Imagine a bowl of Tongseng soup with no meat. It was hell. Since that day I haven't had any lamb dishes, until today.  

Next is: recently I've been feeling creative and started a new hobby: postcards. I just received a postcard from my college classmate (who graduated earlier) who's working at Dubai since months ago. I've been wanting to post-crossing since a long time ago but I didn't know who to send. Now that I have my friends who's residing out of country (one in Dubai and another in Australia for her master degree), I can send some postcards, and hey! Now I have Postcrossing's account. Go check my profile if you want to send some cards, I'd be happy to receive some. I'm going to send two postcards, each to Germany and Russia, and a letter to my Dubai friend. 

The said-postcard from my Dubai friend.
Soaked because of local flooding on my post box.

Will send this tomorrow.
A letter for my Dubai friend and postcards to Germany and Russia.
Photos of postcards are from my own collection. #proud

Other than the new hobby, I've started learning Japanese, again. I haven't give up on my dream, you know. I'm planning to take certification test on July, N5 or N4 level. It's not like my Japanese is really bad, but until now I haven't took on certification, so even though I can speak, read, and understand basic and some intermediate Japanese (thanks to excessively watching variety shows and dramas, and listening to Japanese songs while figuring out the lyrics and meanings), it is not certified. Wish me luck! 

What I've been doing: learning Japanese all over again. 

See you soon, AAA! 

Happy news, I'm going to AAA's Jakarta concert on April 8th! I've been their fan since I was only junior high thanks to Nissy and Uno's duet of "Deai no Chikara", and a big fan of Nissy's voice (yes, his voice. Very peculiar, huh?) since "Call" era. Now I can watch them live, here, in Jakarta! Festival tickets because I haven't employed yet. 





Last spurt, here's  my list of "currently". 

Currently listening to: 

• Goosehouse's new digital single "Haru no Hi" (from album "Bitter") and "Cobalt no Machi" (from album "Milk"). I can't wait for two album releases on 25 February! 
• AAA's new single, the second part from their 7 singles consecutive releases: "Lil' Infinity". Main theme for Japanese release of "The Fault in Our Stars". I don't watch the movie because I don't find it good or entertaining. 
• Chay's "Anata ni Koi wo Shitemimashita" (English: "I Tried to Love You"). It's the theme song for Fuji TV's Monday 9 drama: Date ~Koi to wa Donna Mono Kashira~ starring Anne Watanabe.
• Nogizaka46's "Nandome no Aozora ka". Sometimes I like Nogizaka's songs than AKB's ones. 
• Two songs from album "Music Ride", a compilation for movie "Ao Haru Ride" that released last year. My two favorites are 7!!'s (read: 7 Oops) "Aoi Hanabira" and Negoto's "Fuwari no Koto". 

Currently following these dramas: 

• Ouroboros ~Kono Ai Koso, Seigi~, starring Ikuta Toma, Oguri Shun (oh Hanakimi duo!), and Ueno Juri. TBS's Friday 10 drama. It's manga adaptation so the plot is very neat and clean. But totally love Ikuta's portrayal of Ryuzaki Ikuo. (Have read some early parts of the original manga)
• Mondai no Aru Restaurant, starring Maki Youko and Higashide Masahiro (Anne's husband). Fuji TV's Thursday 10 drama. Already up to episode 6 and never thought that it has interesting plots and messages. This drama portrays the injustice that always happen in real life between men and women. My first main reason watching this drama is my favorite young actors and actresses are lined up for this drama: Higashide Masahiro, Suda Masaki, Takahata Mitsuki, and Nikaido Fumi. Higashide and Takahata previously starred together at "Gochisousan" (2013's second half Asadora) and movie "Ao Haru Ride". 
• Date ~Koi to wa Donna Mono Kashira~, starring Anne Watanabe (Higashide's wife), Hasegawa Hiroki, and Nakajima Yuuto. Fuji TV's Monday 9 drama (the most prime slot in Japan). About dates between a scary, meticulous woman in her late 20s who wants to get married, and a mid-30s unemployed man who also wants to get married. Main reason to watch this drama is, of course, Nakajima Yuuto. This man is getting more attention. (Will write about him below)
• Gakkou no Kaidan, starring Hirose Suzu and Kamiki Ryunosuke. NTV's Saturday 9 drama. Reason to watch? Kamiki Ryunosuke. Really boring at first but it's getting more interesting. About a ordinary female student (Hirose Suzu) who was picked as the elite school's student council president, and her struggle versus The It Group of the school. Not to mention Mamiya Shoutarou a.k.a. Nakajima's best mate has some good acting skill. 

Currently expecting:

• Reprinted version of Sitta Karina's "Lukisan dari Hujan". I read the book first time when I was only 14, younger than Sisy, and now I'm 22, older than Diaz. I always love her books especially her Hanafiahs stories. 
• Movie adaptation of "Pink and Gray", Kato Shigeaki's novel starring Nakajima Yuuto as the main character and also starring Suda Masaki as supporting (one of my favorite young actors). That's why I told you he is getting more attention. Last year he starred in two dramas as main character: Yowakutemo Katemasu and Suikyu Yankees, and this year he's in Monday 9 drama, and an upcoming movie. We can expect him appearing on NHK every morning, can't we? Asadora offers, come to Nakajima! Or guesting at Taiga dramas won't hurt. 
• Movie adaptation of "Ansatsu Kyoushitsu" starring Yamada Ryosuke and Suda Masaki. The manga is very interesting and there are rumors circulating that the one who dubbed the voice of Koro-sensei is Ninomiya Kazunari!
• Next chapter of manga "Orange" by Takano Ichigo. The story is very painful but interesting, and the setting is at Matsumoto, Nagano! It's also the set of my all-time favorite movie: Kamisama no Karute.
• Live-action version of famous shoujo manga "Strobe Edge" starring Arimura Kasumi and Fukushi Sota. I don't really like the original manga but I'll definitely watch the live action. 
• Massive releases on February 25th: AAA's "Lil' Infinity" single, Goosehouse's two-albums-at-a-time "Milk" and "Bitter", and Arashi's  "Sakura" who happens to be Ouroboros's main theme song. 
• DVD releases of interesting movies last year: "Hot Road" starring Nounen Rena and Tosaka Hiroomi, "Clover" starring Takei Emi and Okura Tadayoshi, "Ao Haru Ride" starring Honda Tsubasa and Higashide Masahiro, "Kuragehime" or "Princess Jellyfish" starring Nounen Rena and Suda Masaki.  

That's all updates from me. Will write later, very soon!     

A letter to the very first love,

Dear you, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing right now. I hope you do fine, as fine as I'm doing right now. 

They say, a girl has one boy she can't forget, and a boy has one girl he can't get. 
I think they are right, you are a boy I can't forget, even though years has passed already since our first meeting, and years has passed too since our last meeting. 

We were so young back then, I don't know whether there was any love between us or not, like how people around us thought back then. Do you still remember there were some girls who keep a photo of you and me sitting side by side in a classroom? I did have that photo, and then I changed my phone, and the photo's gone. Oh wait, the phone now is in my aunt's hand, maybe I can ask her later. 
Do you still remember our first meeting 9 years ago? We were classmates, and here I'm going to make a confession: I was already infatuated by you even though we haven't talked yet. I knew you from your classmate's story, who happened to be my friend at an extracurricular club.
And then we talked about various things, mostly about an anime we both loved. I have the soundtracks, and you asked me to give you some. I still remember clearly that one day, you suddenly called just to ask me to not forget about your USB flash disk. I was at my cram school and...ah, if only you knew how crazy was my reaction after that. I don't remember clearly that part, though.

And then we hated each other. I guess it's more like because we were very young to understand this life. I laugh my ass off every time I remember how much we hated each other. I can say that because a year later, everything's alright though we didn't talk as much as before, mostly because at that time, I had a crush to one of your best friends. Eh, wait, both of you are in the same country right now! 

The last time we see each other was 4-5 years ago, right? I was in my 2nd year of high school, we happened to see each other because of our mutual friend. But we didn't say a word, you just keep saying "what? what?" with a confused face and there I was standing, wanted to laugh at your reaction. At that time, once again, I didn't really care because there was a guy as a protagonist of the story. But I never thought it was our last meeting, before we go to different ways of life, before you departed to a faraway country. 

Yesterday, I cleaned up my room. I found many things that the past me had kept for remembers, that includes a 5.000 rupiahs note. Don't worry, I've saved that said money in my wallet. I can use the money for TransJakarta's ticket. Hey, I bet you never thought that one day you'll be the one who pays me a ticket to home, huh?

I was rejected by various types of supporting roles, many times already, and you know what? I didn't cry, at all. To tell you the truth, I felt happy and relaxed after being rejected by those guys that I will tell you the stories later. You are the first, and last boy that made me cry after you decided to go out with that girl. The girl that turned out still contacting you years later, while I just silently read your twitter timeline like a stalker. 

If you, by chance, are reading this right now, we have one more year to complete our own story, and if Allah permits us to, according to generic Japanese love stories, we will meet again by chance next year. After all, 10 is a good number. Ten years. That day, we will tell each other stories of what we've been through these last years, what I don't know about you, and what you don't know about me. I bet you will laugh at how I have this little luck on love department, and I will laugh at every story you're going to tell me.

And if you are reading this, I want you to know this: you are one of the bravest man I've known. There's a small number of people I've known that has a bravery like you do, how you keep chasing your dream even though it took you years. There may be people who say that you are a big spender of time, but I tell you once again: I admire that part of yours. Just thinking about such bravery can make me feel that I can go on through this vast sea of life's adventure.

I am very excited to meet you once again, though I don't know, and don't want to know, whether I will end up with you or another man. Let that one be a mystery. After all, the protagonists of those generic stories also don't know what will happen to them in the future. 

I hope the best for your studies, and go reach your dreams, young lad! 
Let's do our respective roles as the protagonists of a story.
P.S.: I still remember your birthday. It's still a month to go, but still: happy birthday! 
(In case you're reading this a month after today)
With love,
the girl who has turned to a woman and still can't forget every part of yours. 

A little note.

Or not so little.
It's August 5th, 2014. A year ago, I was an intern for a decent (and this is an understatement) architecture office. A year ago, I promised myself that I'd come back to that place, once again, as a full-time employer, one year later. 

Turned out I didn't live it to my own expectation. 

Months ago, I promised myself again to at least got a decent score in architectural studio. I promised to win, to make up what I've done. 
Turned out I didn't live it again. 

Outside, I may have this confident look, a determined eyes, and words that I voice out mostly are optimistic words. I can do this. I definitely can. I have to win this. But still, there are doubts, and insecurities. I doubt myself almost every time I start doing things. I didn't even realize it myself: I've stopped believing on my own self. 

Oh how much I hate seeing myself like this, if you ask me. I hate losing while at the same time I dislike competitiveness. (I almost typed 'despise' by the way). This time, I lose to my own self. And I don't even think I can win this duel anymore.

On the other hand, I've been thinking about quitting architecture. Not as a student (I mean, hello, I'm graduating, soon), but as a profession. Simply, I have no confidence in this. Simply, I want to get out. Simply, because I love this too much. 

Architecture is not only about buildings, I hope you mind this, whoever you are. For me, life is an architecture itself. The more things you learn, the more you don't know, the more you're confusing yourself with your own thoughts about it. Just like life: the more things you learn, the more you don't get your life anymore. Or maybe it's just me. But that's how I see architecture. That's how I see life. 

If you love it, don't you want to study it more? 
That's the point. I came to a realization by talking to numerous people, by looking at things that don't have any connection with architecture, and of course by thinking to myself, that if you love it, you will try to see it from a different perspective. So that you can love it more. That's how things works for me (this also works for seeing your 'significant other' guys, just try to look at him/her from a different perspective, maybe you'll love him/her more than you do right now) 

By this realization too, I've stopped thinking about architecture other than my final project for graduation. I only think about graduate. And then "quit", for good. Not really quitting, but "moving". 

No, I'm not running away. Or at least: I hope I'm not.
I may doubt myself again after this.
I may lose the battle again, for numerous times
But I want to keep on searching an answer for my own life.
One thing is: I don't want to regret anything, anymore.

P.S.: I'm writing this while listening to Digimon's soundtracks. Just because I want such bravery like Taichi always has.

A boy younger than me.

Been playing this cover song over and over.
No, I'm not in love with a boy younger than me. 
No, this post's title is taken from that song. 
Actually my fondness over this song makes me reconsider my true mental age.
(Umph, wait) (You did the test, twice)
(And the result was 41 years old)

Or maybe I am in love with a boy younger than me.
He's on the another side of the world. 
He doesn't even know I'm exist. 

No I am not that crazy. 
I don't love him. 
I just love some parts of him.
Which I hope, 
I will meet those parts in another man. 
A real one.

A midnight supper.

Guess it's a perfect time slot to write something fishy and cliche (it's 0.25 AM in the morning). This keeps bugging me for months, and I don't know how to write it down because I have soo many things, to tell. So here goes.

Dear, well, whoever you are. 
When you're reading this, I hope you are more than ready to marry a woman who can't describe herself very well except with bad remarks everywhere. 

To tell you the truth, I always imagine how well your look is. Maybe you're taller than me, or maybe just slightly taller. What kind of job you have, that you will tell stories about that happily (or maybe, grumpily) while having a dinner prepared by me. What kind of daily lives we'll be living. Is it kind of Hanzawa family on Hanzawa Naoki? Or the extraordinary-yet-simple like Kurihara family on Kamisama no Karute? Actually I keep imagining that you are a true living example of Ichi-san, you are a doctor in a countryside's hospital...or not countryside, but in a hospital, and you rarely back home. Or you are a living example of Hanzawa Naoki who is a busy banker. Or probably your profession has no connection with both examples. And I imagine myself, coming home late because of works, and there you are: sleeping on the sofa, waiting for me to come back with your suits, and of course: a plate of dinner in the table, made by yours truly. 

Another truth, is that I don't know how much you love me, or how crazy you are, to accept me wholeheartedly as your wife. Your best friend for a lifetime, and probably your best partner too. I imagine that we will the invincible partner of all time. We complete each other, yet beat each other down. We love the goods and bad sides of ourselves. 

I'm sorry for the non-sense, because it's 0.33 AM in the morning. You know that if Barney Stinson keep saying that "nothing good happens after 2 AM", then you will keep reminding me that "nothing good happens at you if you don't sleep first before staying up late". And you'll keep scolding me for that. 

And actually I have no idea again what to write. But somehow I think you will love this side of me, you will laugh at me (instead of giving me advice!) very hard every time I say "oh s**t! I have no idea what should I do?". 

One thing for sure, I will love your bad sides. With all of my heart, and my might. 
And I think,
I love you because of your bad sides. How you keep laughing at me. How you keep scolding me. How you (or we) love to sleep with laptop's on. How you love to drink beer secretly although I keep throwing the cans to the bins over there. 

And I think you know how your future wife's not good with midnights, so I put an end here. 
With love,
your future wife. 

P.S.: Are you the one who keeps me company whenever I want to watch Goosehouse's UST Live on Ustream almost every month with a cup of coffee in your hand and a blanket to keep us warm? I love you for that too. Thank you.